How I Stopped Dealing with Parents

I've been a high school basketball coach for 14 years, and during that time every parent meeting I've ever conducted had one goal in mind - to insulate myself from parent complaints.  I've used all the standard approaches to communicate our policies and expectations verbally and in writing for players and parents.

Our 33-page player manual includes information on our coaching philosophy, coaching backgrounds, game day expectations, eligibility policy, "Who Starts and Who Plays," how we make team assignments, lettering requirements, travel expectations, practice rules, charts with off-season hours and shots taken, and more.  The purpose of every single item in our manual is to communicate as much information up front as possible so that we will not have to deal with the parents once the season begins.

This is how the parent-coach dynamic is always described.  Attend a clinic on the parent-coach relationship, take a coaching class, or have a conversation with coaches from any sport, and the phrase is always the same.  It's assumed that if you want to get into coaching, you're going to have to deal with the parents, plain and simple.

Going into this season I started thinking a lot about that phrase, "Dealing with parents."  Generally speaking, we never have to "deal with" things we like.  In fact, the very notion of dealing with something invokes feelings of negativity, suspicion, and even dread.  We usually deal with things that are unpleasant.  We deal with problems.  We deal with difficult people.  With all those negative connotations, it's safe to say, nobody ever looks forward to having to deal with anything.

That probably describes how most coaches approach the parent-coach relationship.  Rooted in fear of conflict and confrontation, we negotiate parent interactions like tip-toeing through a mine field hoping to spend as little time as possible desperately trying to avoid an explosion.  At the end of the day, we signed up to coach a sport, not to deal with parents.

In thinking about this, I began to wonder how much this approach to the parent-coach dynamic prevented me from forming positive, constructive relationships with the people who influence our players as much as anyone.  I would never walk into a practice thinking, "Today I have to deal with these players again."  Rather, we strive to appreciate, love, and encourage our players every day.  That's our focus going into every practice.  What if we approached the parents the same way?

What if we chose to stop dealing with parents, and tried to coach them instead?

This year we decided to do something completely different during our parent meeting.  We still took a few minutes to address important issues such as "Who Starts and Who Plays," but we spent the vast majority of our time doing something far more important.

We invited the parents to participate in our culture. 

Our basketball program culture is built on three basic principles:

Play Hard - Love Each Other - Do What We Do

This phrase defines everything we want to be about as a team.  It is our identity.  Over the years, we have become increasingly deliberate in teaching our players specific behaviors that demonstrate these values.  This year, we decided to do the same for the parents by giving them specific things they can do to participate in our culture.

We felt it was important to not only invite our parents to participate in our culture, but to coach them in how to do so just as we do our athletes.

Then we did something crazy.  We asked the parents what they think.

Never in my career have I ever asked a parent what they thought about the basketball program, or what they want their daughter's experience to be like.  I just wanted to avoid the minefield, remember?

The more I thought about the sports parent experience, the more I realized, I have no idea what the parents want their experience to be like.  So, we created an exercise to find out.  Here's what we did.

Each parent was asked to put their name on three different notecards.  They would answer a different question on each one, then leave the cards for us to read after the meeting.

Card 1 (front) - Write at least one reasonable, measurable goal you have for your daughter this season.

Card 1 (back) - Write at least one reasonable, measurable goal you have for our team this season.

The purpose of these questions are to determine the parents' expectations for the team, and for their daughter.  If we found something that was clearly outrageous, we knew to address those in a non-threatening way sooner rather than later.  The vast majority of the conflict we experience with players and parents is the result of unrealistic expectations.  This was a way to identify those so that we could disarm them before the season even started.

Note - it's important that these goals are measurable, performance-related goals.  It is not possible to measure hard work, happiness, or getting along with others.  We wanted specific outcomes such as being a starter, winning more games than we lose, qualifying for the state tournament, averaging a certain number of points per game, etc.

Then we asked the most important question that nobody ever asks: 

What do you want if you can't have what you want?

Card 2 - What do you want your daughter's experience to be like if she CAN'T accomplish any of the goals you wrote for her, or for the team, on the first card?

This question is the most significant question that a parent should explore.  Essentially, we are asking them to consider what they want their daughter's experience to be like even if they do not accomplish their goals.  What will make basketball meaningful regardless of outcome?

Here are some things that parents wrote in response to this question:

• I want my daughter to grow inside.  I want her to care, really care, about others.  I want her to be less self-absorbed and more others-focused.  A true team player... with heart.  One who always does her best and NEVER gives up.  I want her to be accepted and feel she belongs.
• I want her to continue to give 100% and understand that when you don't succeed right away you just don't give up.  It is okay she's not the star, there are other important roles on a team.
• Have fun.
• To walk away from your season filled with memories, friendships, and walk alway learning and improving at the game.  Take away some life lessons.  Learn how to be happy and work through things.
• To grow as a team - to play as a team - to have fun!
• I want her to be happy with herself and to know she gave it her all.  To be a positive teammate!
• To have a fun experience and build great memories, memories that she will remember as fondly as a state title.
• To become a positive teammate.  To become a good leader.  To be as coachable as possible.
• I want to see her have fun and be looking forward to playing again next year.
• To grow as an individual, working as a team.  To have fun.
• I want them to crate memories that will last a lifetime, friendships that will continue into old age, and life lessons they will take with them after basketball.
• Have fun and be a role model for the next group.
• Just want her to feel satisfaction that she knows she's done her best, and confidence of being a great teammate and player.
• I want her to learn, have fun, get better, and be part of a well-respected program

Before we moved to the final card, we showed them what the players wrote in response to this question when we did this activity with them last summer.

The best feedback I heard in response to this question after the meeting was a parent who said, "The second question really made you think about outcomes."  

We are the defending state champions, but we want our season to be about much more than winning another state title, and this question helped parents think about what they really want for their daughter to gain from her basketball experience.

Card 3 (front) - What do you want your experience to be like as a sports parent?

In many ways, the purpose of this question is to validate the parent experience.  It acknowledges that parents will have a unique experience in the stands, and provides them an opportunity to think about what they want that to be like.

Few parents were comfortable sharing their answer to this question in front of others during the meeting, so afterwards I compiled their responses and sent them an email.  Here's what they wrote:

• I would like to enjoy the game whether we are winning or losing.  This is easier when everyone is cheering for the team and not criticizing the players.
• I would like to feel part of the group, accepted and liked by coaches, parents, and teammates like family.
• To enjoy the game without negativity from the coaches / players / fans when things aren't going as planned.
• To have fun watching the girls play.
• I want to get to know other parents as the season progresses, and would like it to feel like family.
• Growing together as a community of parents - creating our own memories.  Be a place where everyone wants to be.
• Relaxing & enjoyable to watch games.  Positive comments toward players, coaches, refs, etc.
• To be able to ride along with the experience.  Enjoy the ride.
• Fun, memorable, positive.

Interestingly, many of the parents wanted a similar experience as the players.  They want to have fun.  They want to belong.  They want to be positive.  It was important to let them create a vision for what they want to their experience to be like together.

Then we asked them how to do it.

Card 3 (back - left half) - What can you do to help create that experience for other parents?

I included answers to this question in the email, as well as the paragraph below:

• Be positive ourselves.  Congratulate other parents on their children's performance.
• Make sure every parent is involved.  Be excited and have more people join in.
• Stay positive.  Trust that the kids are doing their best.
• Be supportive.  Listen.  Have fun.
• Be sociable and volunteer for extra activities as needed.
• Make positive comments while in the stands.
• Be positive and cheer for the team, not just my daughter.
• Be positive fans for all the players.  Share pictures and stories about fun moments.
• Be positive.  Be supportive.  Cheer!
• I am supportive and encouraging, and will do my best to promote unity.
• Congratulate other parents when their daughter does something well during the game.  Be positive in the stands.  Cheer & clap a lot.
• Be positive and encouraging and help others see that our kids are learning more than just basketball.

Just as we encourage our players to find ways to create a positive and meaningful experience for their teammates, we encourage you to do the same for your fellow parents.  If you can be faithful to the things written above, I have no doubt that your experience will be a special one together.

Card 3 (back - right half) - What can the coaches do to help facilitate that experience?

This question beautifully combines the need for parents to be accountable to one another with the importance of coaches being vulnerable to receiving feedback.  By opening ourselves up to criticism in a way that is directed toward creating a better experience for all we were able to build trust particularly as we follow through on some of their suggestions.

Perhaps the best part was that parents were comfortable giving us feedback on a card that had their name on it.  Too often parent complaints are anonymous, or done to everyone but the coach in fear that the coach will retaliate on their daughter.  The willingness of parents to take ownership of a potentially negative comment was incredibly meaningful to our coaching staff because it communicated trust.

Here's how they answer this question:

• Help them learn life lessons and be positive people.
• Support and understanding for me, and encouragement for my daughter.
• Keep teaching the girls the meaning of team and to enjoy the opportunity they have.
• Continue helping through your experiences and continue coaching the way you do.
• Keep doing what you're doing - I'm getting the experience I want now.  Continue to communicate changes in the schedule as soon as you can.
• I enjoy all the YouTube videos that are put together an shared on social media.
• Look for individual needs from the girls (meaning to help them stay positive by coming up with little things and sayings to help them out of a slump).
• Communicate (which you are good at).  Remember that I would like to spend time with her too - get out of practice on time so there is still time with family.
• Just engage in short conversations from time-to-time.
• Communicate and be positive role models.
• Have a positive relationship with the team so they can come to you if they are unsure on things.  I think you guys do most of what's needed already.
• Coaches will always have their favorites but they should not show it.
• Remember that there are more kids on the team than just your starters.  They all need attention.  They will be happier about basketball and make life at home happier.

This feedback was encouraging, and incredibly insightful.  We choose to embrace those few comments that could be perceived as critical because they help us to become better coaches.

Here's the best part - when we respond to what the parents asked of us we build trust.  

All relationships are built on trust.  

The feedback we received from parents after this meeting was tremendous.  Many called it the best parent meeting they've ever been to.  I hope that they felt valued as we helped them think about what really matters beyond the outcome on the court, and as we welcomed their feedback to help us provide a better experience for everyone.

Does this mean we will never encounter a difficult parent again?  

Probably not, but when that day comes, our hope is that we will have built a trusting relationship that can weather disagreement. 

Regardless, we will choose to coach the parent with love, understanding, appreciation, and encouragement just as we would one of our players because our days of dealing with parents are over.

The Hidden Benefits of Playing Competitive Games in Practice

"Mistakes most players make in a game have to do with the defense."

I came across this quote while listening to an interview with Brian McCormick, author of The 21st Century Basketball Practice.  His observation, though seemingly obvious, makes a lot of sense.  I would bet that the defense played a part in almost every one of our turnovers last season.  In fact, it's one of the main reasons we decided to get our defense more involved in our practices.  Let me explain.

For much of my 14-year career I relied on a staple diet of breakdown drills without defense to teach various components of our offense.  Whether that was playing 5 on 0, 3 on 0, or skill development work (1v0) - we often drilled individual technique and offensive movement without defense.  And you know what?  We were pretty good at taking care of the ball playing 5v0.  

Eventually, we would compete in "live" situations in practice but the majority of our learning, or what we thought was learning, was done without defense on the court.  Over the years, our frustrations mounted as our offensive excellence in walk-through (5v0) did not seem to transfer to the games.  We practiced great spacing, and went through all of our offensive options.  We told our players the types of passes they should make, the driving angles that would be open, and the shots we were likely to get.  Yet, we still turned the ball over 20 times per game almost every year.

Then we tried something different.

Two years ago we restructured our offensive practice into a series of small-sided, competitive games.  We started doing less 5v0 and a lot more 1v1, 2v2, 3v3, and 4v4 within the context of our offense.  

For example, we like to initiate our offense with a 2-man game at the top of the key between our point guard and our high post player.  In the past, we would drill this in 2v0 to practice the options (pick and roll or give and go).  Then we would play 5v0 and look for opportunities to play 2-man at the top.  That would culminate in 5v5 at the end of practice where we would "see what it looks like."  Funny thing was, it always looked better without the defense on the court.

Now we teach this progression much differently:

1. We still begin with 2v0 to explore the options - and we encourage our players try something different every time.  We use all six baskets in the gym to maximize our repetitions.  We do this only as long as it takes for the players to understand the possibilities.

2. When introducing our offense, we play 2v1 with the defender guarding the ball.  The dribbler still plays 2-man with the high post, but she must take the first shot before the high post player is allowed to score (usually on an offensive rebound).  This helps our high post player screen a live body in pick and roll, and pass to a defended player in give and go.  

3. Once the offensive players are successful about 50-60% of the time in 2v1, we will immediately move to 2v2.  Initially, we allow them to play without keeping score so that they are free to experiment with the 2-man options.  We want them to try different variations and scoring moves without fear of making mistakes that would cost their team points.

4. Finally, we play live 2v2 with the winner of the possession earning a point.

We have created dozens of competitive games to drill our individual fundamentals and offensive movement with the goal of getting as many repetitions against live defense as possible.  

Amazingly, since making this shift in practice two years ago, our average number of turnovers per game has dropped to less than 15 each of the past two seasons.  How can this be?

Brian McCormick and Mark Upton have been studying the usefulness of small-sided games for a number of years.  Here are some of the hidden benefits of playing competitive games in practice.

1. Playing against defense randomizes the drill.  Spacing becomes skewed, driving angles change, and shot selection will vary much more when playing against live defense just as it would in a real game.
2. Executing fundamentals in an actual game involves three parts.  Consider the process a player experiences when attempting a run-out layup:

1. Perception - How many defenders are back?  Who are they?  Can they stop me?  Who's behind me?  The brain must quickly gather information so that it can quickly...
2. Make a Decision - Can I beat the defense to the rim and shoot off one foot?  Should I jump stop and finish off two feet for more balance and control?  
3. Contested Execution - Performing the technical skill against a live defender (a one foot layup or two foot jump stop).

All three parts are essential in a game situation, yet traditional 1v0  or 5v0 drills do not develop the player's perception or decision-making, nor do they simulate contested attempts.

3. More effective and efficient repetitions.  Small-sided games increase the number of game-like repetitions.  McCormick sites a Manchester Metropolitan University report comparing 4v4 soccer matches to 8v8 games.  The 4v4 players averaged:
1. 135% more passes
2. 260% more scoring attempts
3. 500% more goals
4. 225% more 1v1 encounters

If skill development is the product of game-like repetition, small-sided games offer more opportunities for individual players to get more game-like repetitions than traditional 5v5 scrimmages.

4. Greater levels of engagement.  Competitive games tend to increase intensity while holding an athlete’s attention longer than 1v0 or 5v0 breakdown drills.  Games are fun. Competing is fun.  Players are likely to give a greater effort doing something they enjoy.

Small-sided, competitive games are a great way to teach skills that transfer from practices to games.  They allow individual athletes to get more game-like, contested touches than traditional breakdown drills, and they are more enjoyable for the players...  And did I mention that the more we practice against defense, the fewer mistakes defenses cause us to make?

Food for thought.

FOOTNOTES

It is difficult to prove that small-sided, competitive games alone could cause our turnovers to drop so dramatically from one season to the next.  Certainly other factors are at play including new personnel, a changing schedule, etc.  That being said, the correlation between the two variables (small-sided games and turnover reduction) appears to be strong.  

Recommended Reading:

The 21st Century Basketball Practice by Brian McCormick

Fake Fundamentals, by Brian McCormick

An interview with Brian McCormick on Game-Based Practices

Practice Design - Give Something to Get Something by Mark Upton

Finding Our Calling

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."  

- Frederick Buechner

In my former life as a classroom teacher I began each school year by having my classes build "The Dream Wall" in my room.  Each student posted pictures relating to things they'd like to do or accomplish in their life.  It's an idea stolen from the book The Dream Manager by Matthew Kelly.  This was probably the most popular assignment I gave during the year. 

This year I have asked my senior basketball players to send me a list of their dreams, or more specifically, things they would like to do in the future.  My goal between now and graduation is to help connect them to people who are already doing what they want to someday do.  I call it "stalking our dreams" and it can be incredibly insightful.  

However, after announcing the project to the seniors this summer we have encountered an interesting obstacle.  Their whole lives they have been asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  Astonishingly, after 18 years of contemplation, many of them still have no idea!  

Discovering our passion, or our calling, can be an intimidating proposition.  How does one figure out what we are meant to do, and better yet, how do we find a way to get paid to do it?

While I was a graduate student at Gonzaga University I encountered some interesting reading on the subject.  For those of us still struggling to figure out what we want to be when we grow up, here are some thoughts to consider.

In her essay "Work as a Calling," Elizabeth Jeffries wrote, "Listen and be attentive to your surroundings... If you want to discover, clarify, or refine your calling, start by listening."  

Listening to what?  For starters - consider your life experiences.  As you look back at various jobs, classes, sports, etc. What have you really loved or enjoyed doing?  What have you hated?  What did you find to be rewarding?  What roles did you play best? (team leader, follower, motivator, encourager, "glue guy," team mom, etc..)  What made you feel like you were wasting your time?  

In your experiences, who did you connected with?  Who were your strongest relationships with?  Who built into you?  Who impacted your life, and whose life did you impact?  

Sorting through these kinds of questions can help identify those things we were made to do, to enjoy, and to excel at.

Richard Bolles, in How to Find Your Mission in Life, identifies some criteria for discovering our passion.  He says that your mission is,

(1) To exercise the talent you came here to use, that you love to use most... 

(2) In the place or environment that most appeals to you...

(3) For the purposes that are most apparent in the world.

This is not a simple task!  Michael Novak, author of The Joy of Sports, notes that callings are not usually easy to discover.  "Many false paths may be taken before the fulfilling path is uncovered.  Experiments, painful setbacks, false hopes, discernment, prayer, and much patience are often required before the light goes on."

Below is the story of Jamal Adams, a Wall Street success story who gave up a six-figure salary to return to his alma mater to coach and teach.  His story includes a compelling passion to do what he loved, for those he loved, in the place he loved.  

Jamal Adams '90 from Loyola High School on Vimeo.

Abraham Maslow described the urgency of discovering our unique calling this way, 

"If you deliberately set out to be less than you are capable of, you will never truly be happy."  

He's probably right.

A Single Phrase

Sometimes I find things in my reading that provoke thought.  Here's something I shared with a couple of the players today based on something I read this morning in Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years...

Jesus does not promise to make all things right for you here on earth.  We choose to follow him, but there are still bills to be paid, still difficult people in our lives, still pain and sorrow.  Those things are not removed from our experience, and yes, sometimes life with Jesus still sucks. 

The idea that living with Jesus will make everything better is a lie, but there is a more profound truth to behold.  His power and love are found in this single phrase, "I am with you."

The AfterMATH

A look at our World Water Day efforts by the numbers...

   $247.12  Collected from students in three weeks leading up to WWD.
+ $120.00 x 2  of Mr. Sanderson's paychecks
= $487.12  Donated from our classroom at Kennedy High School
      x 2  (matching funds from the Prem Rawat Foundation)

= Grand Total of $974.24 which is enough money to help provide 8,850 people with fresh water in rural India.

But wait... there's more.  We were just one small part of The Adventure Project's World Water Day campaign.  

Combined with hundreds of other donors across the country and the Prem Rawat's matching funds, The Adventure Project raised approximately $52,000 yesterday alone.  That is enough to provide over 450,000 people with fresh water.  

Thanks to everyone who brought and bought cookies to help us make a difference!

World Water Day - Make a Difference TODAY!

Did you know?  1/3 of all wells drilled in the last 20 years in developing areas are now BROKEN.  At The Adventure Project, we want to celebrate World Water Day by raising money to help.

TODAY ONLY - Every dollar donated by midnight will be matched by The Prem Rawat Foundation... AND...  Mr. Sanderson will donate ONE DAY's PAY for every increment of $120 raised on THIS PAGE (click HERE) today. 

My students at Kennedy High School have been selling baked goods and collecting money for the past few weeks, and have already claimed one paycheck.  Today they are working on getting a second one.  Join them by clicking "GIVE NOW" on our fundraising page. 

WHERE DOES THE MONEY GO?  At The Adventure Project we are training local villagers in India to become mechanics capable of repairing and maintaining these broken wells.  Regular well maintenance can save communities thousands of dollars in costly repair, while continuing to supply families with clean, healthy drinking water.

Every $550 raised helps one mechanic receive:

* Training classes

* Tools and spare parts

* A one-year stipend to help an entrepreneur launch their business.

*** One well mechanic will care for 50 wells which will ensure clean water for 5,000 people!

Join us as we make a positive difference in our world TODAY!

Which is Easier?

The other day I was reading the story about the four guys who brought their paralyzed friend to Jesus to be healed.  You remember the one.  Jesus teaching in a house packed with visitors, so full in fact, that the guys couldn't get their friend through the crowd.  So they did what any logical person would do... they climbed up onto the roof, tore open a hole, and dropped their friend through.

I shouldn't say dropped.  They lowered their friend down, on his mat, to a place right in front of Jesus.

Jesus, pleasantly interrupted, looked at the paralyzed man laying before him on the ground, and in response to their faith said, "My son, your sins are forgiven."

And the pharisees said, "What? This is blasphemy!  Who can forgive sins but God alone?"

And the four guys on the roof said, "Great.  Now how are we going to get him out of here?"

And Jesus said, "Is it easier to say to the paralyzed man, 'Your sins are forgiven' or 'Get up, pick up your mat, and walk'?"

That, I find, is an interesting question.

You see, Jesus had the capacity to affect the man's circumstance AND offer him forgiveness.  He could do BOTH.  Yet, he chose to address the man's most significant need first.  The forgiveness of his sin.  The validation of his soul.  He saw the spiritual brokenness masked by physical brokenness.  He responded to his deepest need first.  Only then did he tell the man to grab his stuff and get outta there.

Jesus always seemed to have his priorities out of whack.

So does The Adventure Project  , and that is why I love them.

When I think of helping others, sometimes I am easily distracted by their extreme physical needs - poverty, starvation, sickness, and the like, that I forget there is a person trapped inside every horrible circumstance.  The Adventure Project reaches out to that person by offering more than a handout - they offer a hand up to a place of dignity.  That's something I want to be part of.  That's something I want to give my life to.

So my wife and I are trying to get involved to make a difference.  We have the capacity to both serve the person and help meet the need.  Neither is easy, but the power to change the world is found in every effort to do BOTH.